Two months. I have two months left till I am supposed to return to work. I have loved the time I've spent with my son as a stay at home mom. I'm trying to make the best of it. You know that knot in your stomach you get when you dread something? That pit stuck in your gut? That's what I have when I think of going back to my old job.
In actual fact, I really don't like my old job and some of the people there. I haven't enjoyed myself or my work in a very long time. I think that's part of the reason I got sick (but that's another post). The other day, I had a friend and my cousin over for lunch. We talked about work and I told them that I don't want to go back. My husband started working on his new company in the last two months, but he hasn't received any funding yet. We're planning on moving to another city, but we can't go until everything is settled. So I have to go back to work until we move to make money and then I can stay at home with my son (that's the plan).
"Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how far you'll go."
Back to the lunch, I told them I didn't want to return because I had such a bad time there and there was this very negative energy I felt while I was there that lifted on the day I left. The day I stepped out of the building, I felt this huge negative weight physically leave my body. It was surreal. When I told them this, they laughed, but I was so serious. So when they said, you can't work for even a few months? I said, I can't.
Sometimes you live day to day and never realize that you've settled. A lot of people are like that, I know that I was. And then one day I woke up and realized, I can do so much more, I can be so much more and I haven't been treating myself the way I should have. I let myself think that it was okay to be unhappy and that this was as good as it gets, but it's not. Knowing that I lost myself then and had this negative energy all that time is terrible. And knowing that, how can I go back? I can't. I've decided not to go back. This is major for me. So now, what am I going to do?
That same night I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass and she was talking about energy. How you are responsible for the energy you bring to your life. It felt in line with what exactly I was thinking. I need to bring positive energy back into my life. Since I've been off, I feel like I've come alive again and it's a wonderful feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. Even my husband has noticed, and I feel it too, inside and out. I have more energy, I am taking care of myself and I love being a mom to my baby boy. Maybe it's because I feel all the love in my life has brought me to a better place, but something inside me can't settle for anything less anymore. Know what I mean? It's like I wasn't really living all that time, and I didn't believe enough in myself to deserve better, but I do now.
During our lunch, I considered returning there for a brief moment after they suggested I go back, but then I thought of all the negativity I felt while I was there and then changed my mind. It won't be good for my peace of mind, or for my family. I want to come home to my son and husband with positivity and joy. That doesn't seem to much to ask for in life is it?
I plan on looking for something new, it doesn't matter what it is, just as long as it gives me something to look forward to; until the day I can stay at home with my son, which is what I feel I was meant to do.
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.